Monday, August 11, 2014

Loss (some TMI)

On July 25th I found out i was pregnant with a dollar store pregnancy test. i was in disbelief at first because heck, it was a dollar store test, but a good friend of mine assured me that if this cheapie could detect hormones, then we were in good standing. within a few days, i connected with my old midwives (who now have their own new practice) and funny enough, we already had boy and girl names for the little one.

As part of routine testing, i had a pap done on August 7th. i was at first hesitant about it, but Dr. Google and science assured me it was ok. On august 8, I expected. On August 9, i went to work...busy frickin day...i was still bleeding. i texted my midwife and i was told as long as i wasn't soaking a liner, bleeding was normal. On August 10th, expecting for it all to be over, i woke up to the same amount of frank blood in my liner. no more, no less, but more frank. most people would stay home if they were feeling unwell, in fact Gene got a little pissed off that i wasn't taking a day off...but HELLO, i work at a hospital. of all places to be when you feel unwell, this is where to be right?!  so just as I arrived on shift, i took a void, mother f'in frank blood in the toilet. i had kept this pregnancy a secret, but had to reveal all to my charge nurse as i couldn't hide my about-to-burst-into-tears demeanor.

within 14 minutes of arriving into ER, i saw the doctor. ultrasound (no eye contact), bloodwork (i know you..."), vitals, pelvic exam (i saw more blood than I was anticipating. your Os is slightly opened...), another ultrasound (serious look, no eye contact) then a transvaginal ultrasound (i'm a nurse, let me see. "ok, i don't see a gestational sac." ok...). all to reveal what i already knew, i had lost the baby.  

Gene came to the hospital unexpectedly (but fact my first words to him was, "how did you find me?" lol) and he was emotional, naturally. I on the other hand was flat, calculating what could be happening, talking medical jargon with the staff, ensuring my private room in ER was in order...totally me and how i handle things for those that know me well. i may have a lot of qualms about my husband, but when i really need him and i'm too cold and feeling to nurse-y and scientific, he is the one that'll bring me back down to earth. i kinda joked with my coworker how it is so 'asian' to be stoic, and we agreed that in a marriage that truly works, balance must be involved.

i didn't cry until about 5 hours into my admission, as i got my discharge paperwork handed to me by my amazing doctor who was not only hot, but had an amazing bedside manner. i walked from work to the sky train alone because i wanted some private air, and Gene met me for some emotional eating on the Drive sans Max (thank you mom and dad for watching him!).  During my ER admit, they asked me if i had passed some tissue, i was like WTF are you talking about? what does 'tissue' look like? sounds so surreal and disgusting. well after our lunch, i got up and out of the car, and felt a gush. I ran to have a shower and there was the tissue. there is no mistaking what 'tissue' is.
i didn't know what to do with it, so i flushed it down the toilet. i read that some women try to catch this tissue with a colander, GAG. i felt bad for flushing it down without inspecting it, but even as a nurse, i'm not THAT curious with my own aborted bits.
goodbye baby...

as i type this, I'm having cramps on my pelvic floor. i think this is what labor felt like for me. it's not comfortable but it's bearable without drugs. Im teary eyed every now and then, but mainly numb.  I'm trying to be gentle with myself but everything was fine prior to that mother f'in pap smear. EVERYTHING WAS FINE. pap's don't cause miscarriages. in fact, what if i didn't get one and they all of a sudden discovered cancer while i was in latter stages of pregnancy? way out into left field, but that would blow big time! but man alive, i'm traumatized and i will never get another pap during pregnancy ever again. i can't help feel guilty, and it's only me that is blaming myself. it's eating me up that all this was somehow controllable! ugh!

i hate what's going on right now. the bleeding days to come and the the period(s) in the next months are supposed to be a doozy too.  miscarriage sucks. not only do you have to deal with the emotional part, but the physical issues on the road to full evacuation, and then back to (a new) normalcy is so consuming.



  1. I am so sorry you had to experience the crap reality of pregnancy loss, there is nothing easy about it. Bleeding in pregnancy is a tricky one and sometimes it indicates 'something' and many times it turns out to be nothing.

    Please don't feel guilty about getting a pap test in early pregnancy. It did not cause you to miscarry this pregnancy. Really truly. I know it's hard not having an exact reason why it happened. I never had a reason for my first pregnancy loss at 12 weeks but I did get a reason for the 2nd pregnancy loss at 9 weeks and I think it made me obsess more than the first one. The 3rd one was a chemical pregnancy. Annoying all the same.

    Hope you can get some good self care, quiet nights and downtime. Be kind to yourself and take care.

  2. you did everything right. thanks for sharing

  3. Thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  4. I am so sorry. I can only imagine what it would be like to go through something as heartbreaking as miscarriage.

  5. :( so sorry. Hope you and yours have had time for emotional healing and peace. The grief is so real, but don't believe the guilt.

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